|Feb 19, 2015
Tribe Meeting Report
- Implementing Heart Rocks
We welcome a new member #8 who used to be our tribe leader. 6 members present with 2 interstate members not present.
After introductions for the new member, and drumming and exercises we discuss the recent feedback from FAQ on our process. Briefly we do not sufficiently emphasize the forgiveness of the old rocks, and we often omit the new heart rock and/or add in other new rocks of our own devising.
I share with the Tribe my analysis of my own hot seats, in which 50% of simple hot seats - no rocks process - were successful, 75% of rock processes without a heart rock were successful, and 100% (6/6) of rocks processes with heart rock were successful. This to my mind points to the value and importance of the heart rock.
We decide after getting everyone's input to emphasize the forgiveness of the old rock, and treat a person's unwillingness to do that - which does happen - as a possible issue for exploration. We decide always to offer the heart rock as the new rock. For now we retain the option to add other rocks that complement the heart rock as some members find this useful. The hot seat may also even decide not to take on the heart rock. Again this is likely to identify an issue for exploration. These last two we see as probably transitional steps. We will monitor how this goes.
Thank you for your feedback on this Ed.
M2 feels dread in various apparently unrelated contexts. Unwilling, resists, doesn't want to do things. This happens with trading and other things. Hard to explain. he seems quite hot. I like this because often - I feel - he plays his cards close to his chest. We start the hot seat process but after a few attempts he says he is not getting it and so we stop. I feel very surprised by this turn of events as earlier he seems very hot. In hot seat checkout, we confirm we need to pull the plug when the person is not willing. See at the end for a process change that comes out of this.
We suggest the member note occurrences of these feelings of dread and report back.
He returns to Tribe after two years because of his alarm over a spate of accidents. One results in loss of consciousness and a stay in hospital. He organizes his life thoroughly and feels it lacks excitement which he adds by riding motorcycles and street bicycles. He feels his last serious accident was unfair because he did not ride in a risky fashion at the time. He feels concern that his wife suffers as a result of his accidents, but he does not ask her if this is so. He comes from a reserved English background where emoting is not really top of the charts.
M7 feels unready to hot seat the issue as he is unfamiliar with the process. He needs some time to work up the issue. We suggest as homework to ask his wife how she feels about his accidents. He says, yes, I will ask he how they affect her. We suggest it would be good to have the word "feel" in that question. Also to note when he thinks about the accidents and about doing exciting and dangerous things, in real time and also in memories that come to him, particularly from his childhood. M7 agrees to report back how this all goes. By doing this, we hope he will raise his awareness of the issue for next time.
Member 3 (me)
Given the more powerful new process now available, I decide to revisit a previous hot seat that was only partially successful. I have disturbing and distracting flashbacks of an incident of brutal corporal punishment inflicted at school on another boy aged 11. I feel at the time, watching this illegal and excessive punishment, that this could happen to me for reasons out of my control, that there was no limit to what might happen - there seem to be no rules at all, and that I was alone in this matter. There was no-one to talk to about how I felt and no-one who could or would help. The macho culture forbade anyone expressing anything but bravado. I felt like the ground was swept from under my feet and I was in a different world from the one I thought I was in.
In the previous rocks process my strategies were to recognize that realistically this would probably not happen to me and there was a lot I could do to reduce the risk. At one level this worked, but the memories kept flashing back. I feel, going into the hot seat, very skeptical I am going to be able to fix this one.
I become very emotional very quickly and the process manager freezes me at close to peak. I try to intensify, hold and concentrate the feeling and wait patiently for the scene to emerge when I first felt like this. I end up in a familiar scene with my father telling us, to the tune of my mother crying in the other room, that our grandmother has suddenly died.
We will be looked after today by our other grandmother. We do not go to the funeral. When I express sadness my mother offers various medicinal solutions - pretend nothing bad happened (she is in heaven isn't it wonderful though my mother didn't herself believe this), don't be sad, I am not sad, pretend to be happy, forget past happy times with her.
At one level it was obviously not true but it was not permitted even to think that. We reenact this scene with my mother donating these strategies. I then decide to adopt the heart rock, specifically, share how sad I feel, say how I understand her sadness too, give my mother a hug, hold onto the happy memories and the things I had with her, mainly of a spiritual nature. Later I also think about looking out for how my brothers feel (one other brother was much affected by these events). I respectfully and gratefully forgive and decline the old rock and accept the new one.
During the phase of reprocessing similar events from the past I see the connection to the initiating incident. In both cases the world as I thought I knew it was swept away. I had no-one to share my feelings with. I felt alone and helpless. In terms of the initiating incident I think that sharing how I felt with my friends would have been a good start, in spite of the macho expectation. Together perhaps we could process it. I would also tell my parents about it and how I felt. Writing this the next day, the incident seems to have lost its hold on me now.
The events following my grandmother's death have come up a few times, and manifested themselves in a number of ways. It seems sometimes it takes a few iterations to peel away all the layers of the onion. This hot seat as well as apparently sorting out the presenting issue, also helps me with the things I felt I had to give away when my grandmother died. At that time I lost all connections with anything spiritual. I feel perhaps I have a way back.
On checkout, people felt the process worked. One member comments he still doesn't "get" the rocks process. We fail to understand what he means.
My homework is to report the hot seat to tribe and also to send my goals (3 levels: "the dream", "how much of what by when" and "what I will do each day" plus also commitments made to other people) to M6.
M7 has stopped trading medicinally and is trading systematically and profitably after her rocks process last meeting. Also she is now eating chocolate when she feels anxious about her relationship which is coming to a crisis point in a few weeks when her partner returns from abroad. The amount of chocolate is not large compared to past chocolate eating but is not insignificant at ~1/3 of a pound a day. M7 does not feel too concerned about this as she feels it has a finite duration and will end once the situation with the relationship is resolved. M7 concludes it is fairly normal to feel anxiety in such circumstances and so does not wish to run a hot seat on this.
She says that it is the suspense she can't stand, and the unfairness. Why can't people be honest and keep their word, as her role models in childhood did? She can't accept that people are like this. How can you live in a world when you believe people are not honest and faithful? She has done all the right things and the relationship is possibly foundering and her dreams that she has worked towards are perhaps being dashed due to a random accident (discussed at previous tribe but not at this one) that affects their relationship.
Looking at her I suddenly say "You know what's going to happen, actually, don't you - there is really no uncertainty?" She says she does know, but she still has some uncertainty, or hope of a good outcome.
I feel very sad looking at her and feel a lot of empathy with how she feels. She looks very vulnerable and I feel the impulse to try to rescue her. "I know how mean men can be", think - full white knight mode is about to be unleashed. But I resist the temptation. I have seen so many of these situations from the perspective of the man, but it is somehow bewildering to experience how the woman is feeling it.
I make some comments along the lines that often people go from idealism to despair before they reintegrate their view of the world.
M7 takes on homework to note feelings about unfairness and how people, including her partner, should be different from how they are. Also to continue to look for "creative" outlets, in contrast to the rest of her hyper-controlled, super-organized, ultra-methodical life. Perhaps ballroom dancing. M7 refers to this issue as the "creative" outlet, but I keep referring to it as a desire for excitement which is what it feels like to me for some reason. M7 did take up a creative activity, writing magazine articles, but she feels this does not fit the need.
Having recently read "The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results" by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan he is busy changing his focus to the most important things and will report by next Tribe on his new goals. He is now very sold on the idea of being accountable for your targets and reporting to the tribe on this. Homework is to share his new goals and plans with the Tribe next week. He has also decided to make his goals more ambitious in line with the message of the book.
No hot seat issue.
Frustrated by not enough time. Not enough hours in the day. Not now feeling very hot. Some discussion ensues. Does he have too many goals? Are they well thought out and prioritized? Is he wasting time or is his productivity too low? This sounds more like a snapshot process. There does not seem to be a hot seat issue here so M6 is going to share his goals with the tribe before the next meeting, and also to record how productive he is each day. What fraction of his waking hours is spent on his most important goals versus other random things?
Member #2 comments that our current process of having people explain their hot seat topics then having a break allows people to cool down and the moment passes. We agree to change things so that as soon as we find someone hot we get into it.
Member #3 comments that some people set the bar very high for a hot-seat-worthy issue. He makes a decision a while back to go for it with anything hot seat -able, and it works well for him. Things that seem minor can turn out to be a big deal, and sometimes a reluctance to do a hot seat on something can actually hint that it's a big issue.
A couple of times during the tribe I reflect on the way some members have made great, positive changes, and other have made less progress. The tribe now has 8 members and I feel the weight of the responsibility that comes with this. I feel a slight impulse to run away and hide. I don't share this feeling until now.