June 12, 2011
Tribe Meeting Report: Giving and Giving In
At the last and final tribe meeting, we continue on the topic of how to interact with another person who is not willing or able to use the intimacy model. As the conversation proceeds, we learn that when dealing with a person who is not operating in the intimacy model, it is important to know your goal. If your goal is stay in the relationship, then you must accept the other person's desire not to engage in intimacy. There are times when you must be willing to give in to the other person's demands.
As I listen to this dialog, I begin to feel a tightness in my throat. I also begin to feel my emotions build. Before arriving at the tribe meeting I have several arguments with my wife, who is suffering from postpartum depression. Though the topics vary, our arguments are largely battles for control.
I eventually take the hot seat and am soon overcome with sadness and fear. I recall being a young child, perhaps 3 or 4 years old. My mother is trying to convince me to attend a play date. She is yelling at me in very loud voice for refusing to go to my playdate's house. I am in my bedroom holding on to the bedpost, refusing to let go. I eventually retreat to under my bed, where I am repeatedly jabbed with a vacuum cleaner extension. The drama plays out over several minutes until eventually my mother gives up in exasperation. As I explore this memory, I recall my father using this tactic as well. My mother is a loud and emotionally volatile person for much of her adult life. When my mother makes a vehement demand of my father, he stubbornly digs in his heels and refuses to accede to her requests. It seems that I adopt the same tactic as a child, and now continue to use it as an adult in my marriage.
As these memories come alive I feel very sad and lonely about having to always be so strong. I also feel very tired. It is exhausting to always stand your ground and never give up. Yet, when I think about letting go and giving up control to someone else, I feel afraid. I do not feel safe when leaving my fate in the hands of others.
After reliving this memory, I watch other tribe members role play a situation in which my wife is demanding that I leave my computer and take the kids outside to play. Many tribe members attempt to defend their desire to use the computer by using the intimacy model.
My wife simply has no interest in being intimate, and doggedly demands that the role players shut off their computer. Many of the role players are unable to resolve the situation and arguments ensue. Finally, you play the role of me and simply give in to my wife, saying "Thank you for reminding me to be a better parent. I'm getting up right now to take the kids out. Would you like to join us?"
Immediately, the hostility dissipates, the argument ends, and my wife turns back into an ally. Whereas the other tribe members try to use the intimacy model to get their way, you simply give in and join my wife, looking for the positive intention of her act.
When I enter the role play and attempt to use this new response I find it hard to give up control. During several role plays, even when I tell my wife that I plan to do what she asks, I cannot help but utter certain phrases which frame the interaction as a struggle which I plan to continue later (e.g., "You win, honey."). I also use body language (e.g., throwing up my hand) which show that I view the act of giving in as a form of loss, rather than an act of kindness. I have to perform the role play several times before I am able to completely accede to my wife's demands.
Through this process I begin to make some fundamental realizations. As a child, stubborn defiance is the way I defend my personal identity against an emotionally overwhelming mother. It is the tool I use to to survive as an independent person. Later in life, I rely on the "never give up" mantra to perform exceptionally well in graduate school, and then to build and sell a successful company. So the strategy is something which seems to work in many areas. However, I also begin to see that there are some very real costs to using the "never give up, never give in" tactic. It is hurting my marriage. It is hurting my children.
After the role play process ends, I engage in a dialog with the tribe to better understand the concept of giving in. Some of the words that come to mind I do not like, such as submission, surrender, or giving up. Those metaphors imply that I am losing something. You suggest other metaphors. For example, you suggest that I am simply deciding to become a passenger, and that being a passenger can be an enjoyable experience as I no longer need to worry about making all the decisions. Now I can simply enjoy the ride.
You make another point which really resonates. You state that giving in is not about losing or giving up. It is about compassion. There are times when someone you love is unable to connect, and unable to use the intimacy model. During these times giving in is an act of compassion. It is an act of love. By framing the interaction this way, I begin to feel much better about giving in and letting go of control.
For the next several days after the tribe meeting I feel dizzy, and come close to vomiting on a few occasions. I also experience a profound sense of being lost and alone. I do not feel as though I belong in this world. I question the point of my existence. I feel completely depressed.
I also have a strong urge to experience dizziness, so I try to move my head rapidly in circles to engender the feeling. This method does not seem to work well. I then take long jogs in very hot summer weather, which seems to provoke the sense of dizziness I am seeking. After a few days the feelings of dizziness and depression dissipate.
During this period of time my wife senses a shift. She is very pleasant when I arrive home, and she makes an effort to accommodate me. Similarly, I also decide to give in on certain decisions over which we've been struggling. As I focus on using my new skills, I make an important realization. For me:
Give in = Give - ing
I begin to see the act of giving in as an act of love. I also see that it is not realistic to expect the person you love to always operate in the intimacy model. Similarly, it is not realistic to expect to never be hurt. I realize that the key, at least for me, is to be with someone who is worth giving in to.
Thank you, Ed, and my other tribe members, for an amazing tribe series. I am able to grow because of your courage and support.
Take care, everyone.
Thank you for sharing your process and insights.
can be a gift to yourself.
June 12, 2011
Tribe Meeting Summary
We had our final tribe session last week. Two tribe members took the hot seat. I got a lot from both processes.
In the first hot seat, a tribe member learns how to deal with his wife. She has postpartum depression. Wife wants tribe member to stop working on his computer and to take the kids to the park. She tells tribe member that he is an absentee father. Tribe member tries to implement the intimacy approach. However, the wife is not in the intimacy model. Most of the tribe has the opportunity to role play the tribe member. When I role play, I try to use the intimacy model. When the wife refuses to share feelings or receive mine, I do not know how to proceed.
Ed observes that we are trying to change the wife.
Tribe member does not want to give in his position and accept his wife's demands. During the process, he learns that sometimes it is ok to give in. He starts to enjoy giving in and giving up.
In this scenario, tribe member consider accepting his wife's demands. He can go with the flow and find the positive intention. Tribe member role plays the situation again. This time, he thanks the wife for reminding him to take the kids to the park. He also asks her to join them.
From this process, I learn that sometimes it is ok to give in to maintain healthy relationships.
In the second hot seat, tribe member wants to have an emotional connection with his father. However, the father does not want to get emotional. Tribe member role plays a situation where the father is reading a book and he interrupts him. He wants to play catch with the father. The father gets angry and yells at him. Tribe member shuts down. During this process, tribe member starts to accept that the father does not want to get into feelings. However, he can create a connection with the father in other ways (like playing catch for example). Tribe member learns to approach his father in a respectful way to ask him if he would like to play catch.
I relate to this process. My father does not feel comfortable talking about feelings. He prefers to talk about politics. I also am learning to accept this. I like talking about politics too. I notice we can have a connection expressing and accepting our point of views. Lately, I notice he expresses his fears in the conversation. I acknowledge him.
During the second part of the session, we talk about our goals and growth during the series. Some of the changes I notice in me are:
I am setting boundaries with my mother and other family members. I feel that I regain my sovereignty.
I am expressing and asking for feelings often. I am also accepting and respecting people the way they are.
I am expressing my preferences and going with the flow. I notice I get better than expected results.
I feel more comfortable interacting with people. I see more smiles (especially from women).
I am more willing to try unknown territory. For example next week I start to work on half commission & half salary (risk control). I propose this half-half arrangement to my employer. I expect to increase my income this way.
Finally, I want to thank you and all tribe for the support. Thank you all for sharing your issues with the tribe. I grow with every tribe member process.
I want to thank you, Ed, for your hospitality and for the opportunity to learn from you.
All the best,
Thank you for reporting in.
June 12, 2011
Tribe Meeting Report
I found the last workshop very instructive in managing my actions and emotions with my wife.
I have implemented what I learnt through that process and it has resulted in less time spent on unproductive arguments, blame and hard feelings.
When my wife is highly emotional - the only thing that works is to follow the trend that she is creating no matter what I think at that time. This is very similar to a trend in the markets that goes completely against my beliefs and analysis.
Again in that situation, I simply follow the trend.
Thank you for your report.
June 12, 2011
Wants to Set Boundaries
I would like to request a workshop on setting boundaries.
|You can bring <setting boundaries> up as a topic in a workshop or Tribe series.
June 13, 2011
Hi Mr Seykota,
After reading your work on the Trading Tribe Process, I began to realize the importance of my psychology on my trading. It took me a few months for your work to make sense as I explored other references on trading psychology.
I chose not to join a tribe because of convenience. (I choose to think there's no active trading tribe in Singapore)
A new development in my life (marriage) prompted me to seek consistency in my trading. So I started writing my trading journal in September 2010, expressing my emotions (anxiety, anger, joy, etc) on paper. I may not have solutions for all the issues I've written down but I made sure that my conscious mind (CM) and Fred are aligned to the issues. For the past 13 months, I am consistent in my trading in terms of position size and trading profits.
My trading size is usually between 10-20 lots. When a new external pressure develops (down payment + financing new home), I have the urge to increase my trading size to 100 lots. My CM realized this urge within the trading day. So I let CM and Fred settle their differences on paper at the end of trading day.
If I can help in anyway for your TTP World Tour to Singapore, please let me know. I'll be glad to be a part of it.
Thank you for sharing your process.
and in trading,
June 13, 2011
Dear Mr. Seykota,
We would like to invite you to visit Bulgarian Trading Tribe in Sofia, Bulgaria. We would like to know what is your requirements for such visit.
|Thank you for your invitation.
June 13, 2011
I'm trying to find information on workshops held in (near) Austin, TX. I've consulted my Dallas-area tribe leader but no tribe meetings are scheduled in the Dallas-area in the near future(?)
Are any workshops presented by Ed scheduled in the near future?
If so, what is the venue and date?
If not, how can we learn more about Ed's lessons?
I have a buddy in OK that would also attend. We are trying to coordinate a trip to learn more.
|You can watch the FAQ Index page for event information.
June 13, 2011
Learned a new procedure while in Chicago.
Have no real issue about being in right livelihood - how I take care of people may change over time as it has already a time or two, taking care of people will probably always be what I do in some fashion. Medicine is going to change a lot in the near future so how that looks may vary.
Felt very saddened coming back. Not by the class but by the inequitable relationships I have settled for. Somehow it seemed right/admirable/idealistic to base my relationships on how I felt, not how the other person felt. Never wanted to feel like I was selling out or selling myself. Wanted to be independent, self sufficient.
This is a bit rambling I know, wrote some things down earlier but this is all free form!!
I CAN LOOK AT THE PEOPLE I KNOW, MALE AND FEMALE AND SAY THAT I GET BITS AND PIECES OF WHAT I WANT/NEED /DESIRE FROM SEVERAL PEOPLE BUT DONT FEEL LIKE I HAVE EVER HAD A REAL PARTNER. The caps lock was not intentional!!
Somehow at this point regardless of how I proceed, or with whom, I am starting over. Daunting in some respects, exciting in others.
I am very grateful to several people who have reminded me of things I had forgotten. I fell in love with somebody who did not feel the same way but it let me know I was still capable of doing so.
I ran into you and learned that what I believed was possible was indeed so. I don't yet know who or where I will end up. Do not believe you get a second chance though because you were afraid to take chances the first time!!
Thank you for sharing your process.
Do you do private consulting and is there a planed TTP Workshop in 2011?
|See the bottom of the Ground Rules page for consulting terms. Watch the Index page for news about workshops.
TTP in Action
Tonight my son came into the dining room where I was sitting and reading CS
Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters.”
I engage him in discourse. He is 15 and has better things to do than talk to me
about challenging topics like faith, science, opposing forces, the meaning of
words justify, psychology, philosophy, love, communication, spiritual, warfare,
intention. I engage him nevertheless, gently, but firmly.
He initially rejects my questions out of hand as I challenge him to define his
terms. I actually start by suggesting this Lewis book would make a nice summer
reading selection. He takes this suggestion as a challenge and defends himself.
He mentions a book he is already reading as a way to ward off my entreaty. I
gently persist, and I consciously refuse to raise my voice even when he raises
When I ask him if he believes in God, he says he does. If God...how about Satan?
He says he does but the subject is weird and he feels uncomfortable. I assure
him I understand but each time he rejects further discussion, I tell him he is
slamming doors shut. He is a smart kid and he makes the connection, gets the
metaphor. He knows I am referring to doors of perception.
Because I do NOT mirror his behavior, or escalate with him, to my great
pleasure, he settles down and rather than seeming to bolt from the room, almost
in a panic, he returns, sits down, and we have a father son exchange I can only
describe as very special and intimate.
TTP is teaching me so much about how to live. All of my endeavors are deepened
thanks to what I learn from reading FAQ, what I learned in the Reno Workshop
“Sticking With Your System,” working through Rock processes and getting feedback
from Charles Faulkner, and fellows who were in my workshop. Gratitude is a
humbling and wonderful emotion. My Fred and CM are nourished when I express
gratitude from the heart.
For my daughter’s 13th birthday in March, a close friend gave her two small
Bonsai trees. He has an amazing collection and I asked him if I could buy one
for her. Instead he gave her two. One of them is looking very healthy, while I
was alarmed that the other tree was looking quite sad, and they sit next to each
other on the same table in the same window. I’d been experiencing growing
concern for a couple of weeks. Then I noticed the copper wire wrapped around the
trunk had been removed from one (the healthy one) but not the other. The wire
was strangling the poor tree, rather than simply shaping it. I asked my son if
he could help me find some wire cutters. He did. I went back upstairs and began
clipping the tightly wound wires. They literally popped off the little tree as I
cut them carefully. While doing this I had such a feeling of liberation and
caring for this little tree. I felt a real sense of responsibility for the
welfare of the tree. After all wire was removed, I got a spray bottle with water
and misted the tree and the rocks and soil it is placed in. I added a quarter
teaspoon of Miracle Grow to the solution. While I was at it, I sprayed the other
tree for good measure. Life force is a miracle and TTP has helped me see
it and feel it with higher intensity.
I dip into FAQ from archives. Apologies, I cannot give you the exact date. My
selection was a random reading from maybe 2004 or 2005 archive. What I want to
share is that the FAQ was a tribe member going to great length to apologize to
Ed for behavior unacceptable for a tribe meeting. The member asked how Ed felt
and Ed’s response was, to me, like snipping those copper bonds from that tree!
Ed’s response, I paraphrase, was that he felt great! In other words, the
tribe member was playing some sort of victim role, or acting in some sort of
cloying way, and Ed did not feed this behavior, or encourage it in any way.
Quite the opposite!
This reading affected me profoundly because I had just lost a client that week
and the behavior was somewhat similar to that tribe members. My client had begun
acting really immature to the point of being obnoxious. He was exhibiting a
behavior I had seen before and seeing this coming on, I decided to step aside
and let him either stand on his own two feet, or wallow in his mess of emotion.
I let him decide but I was willing to give him an opening to close his account,
or not. He chose to close it, and like Ed, I think, I felt empowered by this!
The reason is I was willing to let go. I did not feel the slightest need to
fight with this guy, or change his emotional diaper (so to speak), just because
the market was dropping a little bit on the day, the week, even the month.
I read Resources and Books link on Trading Tribe website and not ea new book has
been added since I was last there, Kaufman’s 4th Ed. “New Trading Systems and
Methods.” Admittedly, I groan a bit. True learning is not always easy and I know
Kaufman is the real deal. I already had the 3rd Ed. Of this book but had been
hiding from it after a quick scan of it. Yet today, I am different than even a
few years ago. I’m stronger and more resilient. So after a moment of reflection
I order the 4th Ed. And begin reading the 3rd Ed. The books “speak” to me today
and I am not afraid.
Ed tells us to take a little time with programming. I plan to do this very soon.
I went down to Joplin , MO a couple of weeks ago to volunteer to help with
disaster relief. You could say I felt compelled to go there. I have never before
done such a thing. I believe this is personal growth. I went alone. It was a
five hour drive from my home. My experience was life changing in that I will
never think of a community, a tornado, buildings, sheet metal, wind, protection,
warnings, resilience, compassion, spirit…I’ll never look at these things the
same after going to Joplin and seeing the devastation, but also experiencing the
hope, feeling our mortality, seeing how chance can work, like price shock in the
market, only potentially deadly.
While I am there, a friend has given me a small amount of cash to hand to
someone in need. On my last day in Joplin I have worked for 6 or 7 hot, dusty
hours around chainsaws and Bobcats and other volunteers, and I am looking for
dinner somewhere. I call my friend and he asks if I have given the cash away
yet. I haven’t. I will, now. As I tell him this I am at an intersection mostly
commercial when I spot a single story residence nearby where the roof has blown
completely off, the ceilings are gone, windows blown out, three walls stand but
one facing the driveway is mostly gone, and three young men are standing in the
driveway talking. I pull over to a parking lot next door.
As I approach the guys on foot I notice that up in a tree next to the house a
king size mattress is dangling high in the tree, seemingly impaled on one of the
limbs about 20 feet off the ground.
After explaining that I am a volunteer worker, I ask if one of the guys owns the
house. It is awkward as a stranger to ask. One of the guys, an Asian looking
guy, says yes, it is his house. I tell him I am sorry for his loss. I ask if he
would take the cash, along with some I have added of my own, and if he does not
need it, to please give it to someone who does and is a victim of this disaster.
He agrees to do this and suggests placing it in a fund being collected at a
Christian college where his father works for families of storm victims. The
Under Fred is alive and well in Joplin . I sense it strongly while there.
Just then, his dad pulls up and I get to meet him. He is a super nice man. We
talk some. We share a few things that just seem beyond normal…like a market
Gapping. My system skips momentarily. I tell this dad that May 15 is my sobriety
birthday of five years. He exclaims “May 15th!” Yes, why? “That is my son’s
birthday!” he says. He is referring to the son who owns this blown apart house
who has reentered it and is picking through the debris. I find this an
interesting coincidence. Another coincidence is that the son was in Miami when
the storm hit. I was in Miami with my family a few weeks earlier when another
tornado hit St. Louis airport and shredded some of the surrounding area.
Before I left I asked [Name] what he did for a living. He said he is a computer
programmer. Once again compelled (Under Fred) I asked him what language he
specialized in. He answered C++. All I could think of was the C++ book that used
to be on Ed’s favorite books list, or in his resources section. I have never met
someone who programs in C++ before so this was still another interesting
connection and I exchanged e-mail addresses with this guy. Perhaps he will help
me program my trading system! I may write it myself in Easy Language, or even
try to learn C++.
When we commit, as Ed has taught us, people we need and resources required
appear for us. When we get outside of ourselves, leave our comfort zones, reach
beyond our old ways, almost anything is possible. It is late and I must sleep.
TTP is a true blessing for me. Best wishes to all of you as we support each
others pursuit of excellence. I am beginning to understand the Intimacy Model!
Thank you for sharing your process.
Wants to Join
I have been seeking to visit the trading tribe in [City], but they are no longer
meeting. Austin is the next closest tribe to me. It is an 8 hour drive for me. I
think I could commit to once a month or every other month.
I read your book the The Trading Tribe. It helped me through a very rough patch
with my father near his death. What do I need to do to join?
|You can join a tribe near you and/or start your own.
I forward the clip [Chris Sacca's commencement address to Carlson School of Management] to FAQ. The clip feels like TTP to me.
I continue to work on not shutting down. I find it to be a confusing process of
feeling negative emotions.
Thanks for http://seykota.com/tt/.
|Thank you for the link.
Today, I feel free from the need to fix people.
I realize people are free to feel however they want. It's actually kind of cool
to have this freedom.
I let go. I feel light.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Hello Austin Tribe,
I'm reaching out to say thank you for a wonderful experience and all the support
over the past 5 months and to pass along my contact info.
I want to let everyone know that I do have a ping pong table on my back porch
and I would enjoy catching up over a friendly match if you happen to find
yourself in my neighborhood!
All the best,
Thank you for your invitation.
Celebrating the Feeling of Saying Good-By
The last tribe meeting at the Ranch was a emotional time of good bye. I can say
with confidence that I learned something at every single tribe meeting and this
one was no different. At this meeting I found it interesting how you did not
avoid the feelings of sadness of the ending of the tribe. In fact you celebrated
the sorrow of missing a buddy with a song.
It finally occurred to me the importance of accepting / enjoying the feelings of
whatever season of your life that you are in. I realized if you don't like,
avoid, suppress or run from feelings because you label them or the situation
that caused the feelings as bad then you end up living with the feelings
forever. So I see now if you are unwilling to celebrate and fully experience the
sadness that comes up with the ending of a tribe then that sadness will stick
If your unconscious goal is avoid this sadness then you will follow a life path
that allows you to run from or stay ahead of this sadness that lives inside you.
In essences this feeling will control your life.
I think I have spent most of my life running from feelings of fear, anger and
sadness. That is a lot of feelings to run from and I have had to run pretty fast
to stay out front! I am very new or you could say a child when it comes to
the idea of welcoming a "negative" feeling. This notion of accepting, even
welcoming and celebrating all feelings is not the way my family dealt feelings.
I learned from my family coming up that I must avoid painful feelings at all
cost. If that means running from them or passing out and going unconscious. I
learned that in order to cope and survive I simply must use these resources.
No one ever taught me another way until you came along Ed. You showed me another
way. You demonstrated a new resource that I didn't even know existed.
Celebrate your feelings of Sorrow, Grief, Angst, Longing, Fear, Pain, Despair,
Loneliness, Situational Trapped, Anxiety, Tension, Alone, Powerless, Stuck,
Vulnerable, Burdened, Resentful, etc.
Lets face it, at first it is not easy to celebrate feelings that you have always
labeled bad and have run away from like the plague your entire life. I think its
a process of unmasking the monsters that have been chasing behind you at a
distance and realizing that up close they aren't that bad. After awhile of
getting to know them you realize you might actually enjoy them in your life.
Then eventually you are glad when they show up, one and all. Really it boils
down to dispelling emotional ignorance. I liken it to getting to know your
neighbors. You will probably like some more then others but you can always find
things to like and ways to learn from anybody, no matter how bad they seem at
Celebration of all feelings is what it means to be truly human. I feel like if
you celebrate all the feelings that come your way when they come your way then
and only then are you fully alive. Anything short of full realization of all
feelings is living a muted life that is less then full freedom manifested.
The Right Way
I am very happy you accepted our invitation to the world tour in [City]. I
have received additional requests since we were signed up on your page. I wonder
what time schedule you have so we can book the date.
I feel a little nervous since we are not doing the hot seat process so "alive"
as it is usually described. The interaction is less "wild" since we focus our
feedback to the check out after the hot seat. During hot seat, I am not, as a
tribe leader, encouraging, only validating. As tribe leader I take a more
passive role and let hot seat go where he/she wants to go.
You once mentioned that your intention for it to be successful is more important
than exactly how you work with your tribe. I have focused on that! Since I get
the feeling I am not doing it exactly the "Seykota way", I am very happy that
you will be joining us and can give us additional resources of how to lead and
contribute in the tribe.
I have taken the feeling of "doing it the right way" to hotseat but as you will
be visiting, the feelings come back. As I think about it, lately our tribe have
had greater turnover and some of the people from the start are slowly dropping
off. As long as we are at least three persons, we go ahead. Yesterday was the
first time ever that I cancelled a tribe. The reason was that we were only two
The tribe is less dynamic with only two participants. I have had at least ten
tribes with only two people, but...no more. The tribe helps me to communicate
more straight forward and I apply what I learn when interacting outside the
tribe. I print and save your comments. I save it in my diary and read them
frequently. I like it! It is definitely helping me towards right livelihood!
Recently, I have noticed that my tolerance level has increased significantly. I
feel I can be validating towards my children and it gives me great pleasure.
Have a nice summer. I will be on vacation for two weeks now!
|Thank you for sharing your process. You might consider taking you feelings about <the right way> to Tribe.
June 17, 2011
I send the ID of a new Tribe. Please add it to your directory.
So far there are no active tribes in my country. I wonder if my
intention is strong enough to attract volunteers.
All the best,
Austin Tribe Summary
What a remarkable experience the Austin Tribe is.
I now seek a community of support to see what I don’t. The group motivates me.
This week I have been enjoying applying skills I gain from Tribe. My
communication is easier with people. Today I’m able to share with my wife in a
way she does not feel I’m judging her (an issue in the past) that I think the
kids should wear sun shirts when at the pool. She warmly welcomes the input. A
few days ago I recall dealing with a sensitive topic of a trader’s drawdown in
manner he feels support from me and not attacked and I’m able to share my
feelings about the situation.
From a tribe member’s process at our last meeting I get insight into resistance,
persistence, and surrender. It seems there are very few hard and fast rules for
life. I believe there are lasting principles.
I deeply thank you Ed for sharing yours with us.
|Thank you for sharing your process.
Happy Father’s Day!
I hope you have a wonderful Father's Day today!
Paying Attention to Feelings
I hope you are well. I stay on the path.
I've been paying more attention to my feelings in order to experience them and
now, I am more aware of my body in general. I notice that I wake up every day
with a slight numbing ache in my calf muscles (greyish, lose, warm) and as I
type this, I also notice a slight ache in my left bicep (small, roundish,
metallic) and, now, my left thumb (sharp like a nail). I try and experience
these feelings as best I can. Often, now, I don't name them (be it anger, fear,
stress, excitement) and I just let them be. If I don't name them, then I don't
think of causes/blames. I just try and experience the feeling "fully" - try and
express a color, object, texture etc. Sometimes the feelings dissolve into
smaller and smaller objects which disappear and sometimes they stay, regardless
of how much attention I give them.
As an example, a couple of weeks ago, I experienced, what I typically label as:
fear. I went through the process for many days and the feeling remained. Then a
friend reached out to me (over IM) and asked me how I was doing. I asked her if
it was a serious question or a casual one and she said I could share whatever I
was comfortable with. I shared my feelings with her and it dissolved. After
that, I couldn't "recreate" the feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if I "should" honor the feelings i.e. accept them and do what
it is suggesting as a positive intention or just acknowledge it and keep on
task. For instance, if I'm feeling like my eyelids are heavy like they have
small weights tied to it, I try and experience this feeling completely. Then I
wonder if I rest for a while and honor the feeling of being drowsy/tired or
whether I continue with my work and stay on task. If I do the former, I might be
avoiding some other feeling. If I do the latter, do I honor the feeling
On occasion, I experience strong feelings during my meditations/practices. I
used to struggle with this phenomenon earlier. I would experience rage and
remember incidents from the past. I would wonder what was wrong with the
meditation / practice. ("Its supposed to calm me down! Instead its doing the
opposite!") Now I realize it could be the best thing happening. I try and
experience these as well during the meditation. Sometimes I experience these
feelings "better" by virtue of being in meditation. Sometimes I feel goaded to
move on to the next step in the practice.
Sometimes when I try to experience feelings completely, I close my eyes. I then
find myself drifting naturally into focusing on my breath as in one of my
I've also noticed an increased sensitivity in myself. A friend of mine was
describing some life issues that her mother was facing and I had a distinct
feeling of heaviness in my heart like a heavy lead object placed on my chest. I
expressed this to her. In another event I was watching a story about the
struggles of a boy in another country and I found myself crying. However, a few
minutes later, I was watching a video of something funny and I was laughing out
loud, while the tears from the previous experience still hadn't dried. I didn't
feel conflicted. Just "emotions" passing through my system.
I attended a tribe meeting in my city as a guest - that was great. While
receiving, there too, I noticed feelings of a burning sensation in my chest and
a headache while the sender was sending. Intellectually, I didn't really
identify with any of the issues that the sender was describing and yet I had
unmistakable feelings while he was talking.
While I've been paying attention to this, "it" seems "everywhere". I'll switch
on the TV briefly for a few minutes and I'll notice someone expressing their
feelings. I go for a walk in the lane and I'll notice a T-shirt which says
something related. I then think of it as a humorous coincidence and turn my head
in another direction and I'll see another T-shirt saying something related.
I've also been reading the FAQ daily and I started from the beginning and have
reached December 2003. I identify with almost every email sent in - as in, "yes,
I've got that", "yup, that one too!". I may have experienced it at a lower
intensity but it is present in me. I used to think that I'm quite "sorted"
("Hell, I even meditate!"). Then at one point, I realized that I couldn't find a
"flaw" in someone else that wasn't also present in me - that the world was a
mirror - that I could only identify something if it was present within me.
In the mean time, I've learned C# and programmed a rudimentary trend following
system to see the results. I'm also learning a platform so that I can use some
of the stock features and extend them with my C# extensions to back test other
systems. Right now my system is to basically trade nothing / tiny unless I have
a system that is back tested and fits well with my overall preferences.
On another random note, earlier this year, I held put options on a particular
stock that was trending down. I placed my stop too close and I was stopped out.
A few days later the stock fell off a cliff. Then again, a few days ago, it fell
off another cliff. This time around, I chose to pay close attention to my
feelings and experience them as best I could. I went through them for a better
part of a day which then culminated with a nap. After I woke up, I couldn't help
thinking about the fact that nothing/none other than I had gone through that
exercise - the price was still where it was, the birds outside were still going
about their lives, everything else was just as it was. I was the only one
jumping up and down with a story. I could just as well choose to take what is
offered and make the "best" decision given what I know now.
Thanks for everything!!!
|Thank you for sharing you process.
This past Saturday night I chose to go out with a friend. Its been a while since
we connected and he asked me how I had been doing. In keeping with being
willing, building intimacy and being completely honest, I shared with him what I
had experienced in my relationship with my parents.
He then spent a fair bit of time telling me how I was "grossly wrong" and how he
was surprised given how "intelligent" I am. That the reason I felt "hurt" was
cause I had adopted the "wrong point of view". Through this I kept noticing my
feelings to see if anything was coming up but it was largely flat/numb (As I
type this, I realize numb could also be a feeling ... potentially protective).
He must have noticed something and even asked me how I was feeling - and I told
him that it had been going on for so long that this particular instance wasn't
causing me to feel much of anything. He then proceeded to tell me how it was an
asset to have people point out to you when you're wrong - which I get.
I went to bed that night without thinking too much of what had happened.
On Sunday morning though, as I started with my daily meditation, a storm started
within me. Rage. Like a whirlwind within me. I try to experience it and try and
realize that this could be a really good thing happening cause I'm getting to
experience it while it was "still in my system". Yet the intensity is so strong
that I find it hard to stay on task. I decided not to "distract" myself with
work and I spent most of Sunday in my bed intermittently trying to experience
whatever was coming up. It lasted through the entire day. This morning it was
and still is present as well.
Just thought I would share.
While I'm still working on experiencing this I do realize how important it is
for me to receive people without judgement, offering advice, offering
perspective. All of the advice, perspective may be well meaning and "correct"
but it doesn't do much for the sender. The best thing I can do for other people
is to be a great receiver. Just listen with empathy.
|Thank you for sharing your process.